My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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