Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
