Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
