Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
