a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
