I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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