My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
