I think I died a long time ago.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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