I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
