Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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