Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
