Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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