New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
