i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
