My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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