do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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