Are we in a gay sports bar?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
