In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
