i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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