Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
