the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
