not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
