he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's official drugs can't kill me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to make out with him forever
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
