Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
