Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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