i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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