im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
