Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
