Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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