How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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