No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
