she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
