they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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