I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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