dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
