So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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