never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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