yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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