I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
