so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
