life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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