Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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