she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
