if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
