oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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