Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
