I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
