This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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