Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
