i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
