Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
